Post by ronnierocketago on Dec 14, 2008 5:56:58 GMT
CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982) - ***** - Masterpiece
"Let me tell you of the days of high adventure!" [/size]
For a film quite like John Milius' hyperbolic masculine legend that is CONAN THE BARBARIAN, the opening is just goddamn perfect. You open this voice-over narration over darkness, a Chronicler putting into historical context about a guy named Conan, a slave who one day would become the greatest warrior of all, and finally king by his own hand. Most such cinema plot devices usually fail because they're lazy methods in establishing a film's universe, but Milius here is able to craft the dialogue as naturally epic and grandiose without sounding goofy. Then we cut immediately to the war drums that is the kick ass title score by the late Basil Poledouris:
Did that get you pumped up? For a guy, that music just makes you want to stand up, pump-fist your chest, put some war-paint on your face, and go like destroy some public property. Poledouris never unfortunately got much respect and credit as a composer (he also scored ROBOCOP and THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER, among other things), but wow his CONAN the music is as far as I'm concerned one of the best purposeful scores I've ever heard, period. It's so awesome, Universal Pictures still uses that soundtrack as temp music in trailers for any sword picture, like the original teaser for Sir Ridley Scott's GLADIATOR from all those years ago, which is weird considering that Scott was offered CONAN before Milius.
I think what makes Basil's CONAN score so great is that if most such compositions serve to exaggerate the signifigance of what we see on the screen, which CONAN's soundtrack does too, but it's appropriate. Way too many popcorn movies recently I've seen where the composer produces something simply to boast the energy of the action narrative and nothing more, but Basil with his blaring strings, trumpets, and drums tells us upfront what John Milius' plans are: (1) We'll drop your balls for you, and (2) This isn't just another comic book myth, but the myth itself!
Milius has been derided as a conservative NRA gun nut who's too obsessed with war and testosterone, but he's probably the perfect guy for such material like CONAN because unlike most filmmakers who try to tackle fantasy, he takes this shit seriously. More than that, he believed in crafting the ultimate ubermensch saga, a popcorn entertainment based off the writings of Robert E. Howard that could with conceptual designer Ron Cobb boast as much visual creativity and high production quality as STAR WARS or RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK did of that time did. The major difference being that it appealed directly more to teenage boys and adults with it's willingness to partake in sex and violence and truely earn it's R rating. In this brutal and unforgiving world from long ago lost to written history, when sorcery and swords reigned surpreme, People get brutally hacked down to size, orgies at palaces abound...a time for great heroes to be lauded in legend.
Most comic book movies open with the mythical origins of the ubermensch, of where he comes from, how he gets his powers, his tools, his banner of crusade, etc. But with even the great examples I could cite like Richard Donner's SUPERMAN and Chris Nolan's BATMAN BEGINS, they all at a certain point just abandon storytelling in favor of the action. As far as I'm concerned, CONAN THE BARBARIAN is the best and sole true representation of the traditional Heroic Myth I've seen from Hollywood. Some may wrongly cite STAR WARS, but there George Lucas wanted to produce pure serial adventurism with some mythical trappings. But CONAN is a pure myth, from beginning to end, and Milius never deviates from this intention.
With his emphasis on powerful symbolic and episodic visceral storytelling, people have generally dismissed CONAN as pure macho porn, but for those who choose to be enraptured by the saga, watch as young Conan watches helplessly as his village burned to the ground and his people slaughtered by Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) and his foreign raiders borrowed from the Soviet war classic ALEXANDER NEVSKY. So boy Conan is sold into slavery, and with this father having taught him the "Riddle of Steel" (trust no man, God, or wench but only your sword), he's put to hard labor in turning a giant grain wheel. The kid just pushes and pushes the wheel for years until he grows up to become Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah it's a ridiculous idea, but as a pulpish element with the protagonist being inspired by bloody revenge, I bought it. I mean it worked for KILL BILL, right?
He's given to a new owner, who turns him into a champion pit fighter, trained by the best warmasters. Now first brawl, he wins but gets beaten the shit out of him. But like FIGHT CLUB, he went from getting whipped like cookie dough to being as firm as an Oak. He's become enough of a badass beast that he even recites Genghis Kahn' classic quote about what is best in life: "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!" Apparently for saying such an awesome line, he's freed and onward with his quest. A great addition by Milius towards the Hero Myth is that immediately afterwards, despite his prowless and knowledge, Conan is fleeing from wild dogs until he discovers a sword from a tomb.
He aint ready yet.
If Governor Schwarzenegger today needs a translator, he was even worse off back in 1982. Milius is wise to limit his dialogue, but Arnold is Conan. Once described by the Guinness Book of World Records as the most perfectly developed man in history (yeah fuck you Hercules), Arnold displayed a great tremendous physical charisma that is suited for this ultimate ubermensch superman. I mean when he knocks a camel out cold, such a scene was played for laughs in BLAZING SADDLES, but with Arnold you instead go holy shit. When he's crucified onto a tree, and a vulture is pecking away at his wound, the dying Arnold with only his teeth grabs the bird and mauls it to death, an audacious as hell moment that maybe worked only because of him. As Milius himself said, "If we didn't cast Arnold, we would have had to built Conan."
But even Conan is nothing without the villain in Jones. Darth Vader is his more iconic evil role, but damn his Thulsa Doom is just more fascinating and interesting in a fun screwy sort of way. He once had the hunger for steel, now it's flesh as he's become the leader of a doomsday cult. After his followers in mass easily subdue Conan, Jones gives a great lecture on flesh being stronger than steel, demonstrating by having one of his mindless fans jump to her death on his command. See this is what Phillip Seymour Hoffman in MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III deserved, a great actor getting a kickass role worthy of him. At an orgy, he randomly transforms into a snake near the sight of his captured princess, and later turns a snake into an arrow, both scenes suggesting some freaky primitive phallic sexual undertones. Also he's an asshole for decapitating Conan's mother in front of him.
Damn.
What's also good is Sandahl Bergman and Gerry Lopez as Conan's partners in crime. Bergman was an awful villainess in the awful RED SONJA, but in CONAN Milius makes her an epitome of feminine badassery, the perfect mate for Conan. Her best moment is when she's doing some serious slicing and dicing of henchmen and is in fighting position, until she relaxes and playfully taps her sword like a baseball bat, waiting for the next victim. Despite being a surfing buddy of Milius with no formal training as an actor, Lopez has such great chemistry with Arnold, and his physicality also makes him a credible sidekick.
As I wrote earlier, Milius never stops his approach when we approach the climax, where ironically Conan applies Doom's lesson on flesh to use brains, not his mighty braun, to overcome Doom's Army. Again all this is in service of the Hero Myth, where the righteous warrior continually progresses from trial and error. Even with Conan's final confrontation with Doom at his Temple roof, this could have played off as a procedural slug fest like say Tim Burton's BATMAN, but instead the anti-climatic atmosphere only precludes any doubt of whether Conan will reach his destiny, and Doom knows it.
Unfortunately it's been over a decade since John Milius shot his last movie, and what a damn pity that fact is. In watching CONAN again, you realize the dude is rather intelligent, if mistaken as a lunatic because of his little creatively nutty details. Consider how he gives Jones blue eyes and straight laid-down hair, as if he's a darkskin Aryan. Then that sequence during Conan's slavery when he's used as a breeding stud (which you'll never see in LORD OF THE RINGS), or later when after chopping Doom off above the shoulders, Conan tosses the head onto Doom's shocked worshippers. How about also when Conan seduces a witch, only at orgasm for her to transform into a demon that Conan has to destroy?
The sword & sorcery fantasy film is often slapped around as being silly and effeminate but CONAN THE BARBARIAN is the great rebuttal that the genre can also have balls and open a can of whoop ass. You know those annoyingly idiotic frat boys who won't shut up about how 300 is badass? Well screw them, CONAN is the real deal.
Want proof? Just watch this scene where before the climax, Conan prays to his god Crom. For a picture full of win, this is victory.