Post by ronnierocketago on Aug 11, 2009 3:59:56 GMT
CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE (2003) - **1/2
DMX's criminal crew are the sorts you only find at the movies. They all dress in snazzy fashion, even knee-deep in rubble doing the dirty work of breaking into a jewel vault. They never change into un-conspicuous clothing afterwards to escape detection, they just walk away. Under the threat of death or 10-15 years behind the slam, they play it off as a game, and why not? It looks incredibly very easy. This gang also has a non-gun policy. Why? So DMX's gangster rap persona could be soften into a more likeable, mainstream marketable (or in liberal speak, white-friendly) personality. Reeks instead more of a cautious, unnecessary reactionary measure by the studio if you ask me.
Fact is, usually in a heist picture which centers on the robbers, we the audience naturally (or commanded to?) side with the crooks, armed or not. Such fictional proxies rob and steal the stuff that we at times wish we could get away with, if not for the law and well, other competitors who might have guns. Point is, you don't need that shit for us to root for you. The problem with CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE is, I don't think the filmmakers ever exactly knew what they wanted.
After that robbery, Jet Li shadows them and wants specific black rocks that DMX's troupe was contracted to steal. They're then stolen by a rival outfit who plan to sell them to the biggest seller. Problem is, yet another set of bad guys kidnap DMX's kid and demand the rocks. Also those rocks turn out to be plutonium, and Li is also an undercover cop from Tawain.
Notice something? There is no plot, only a checklist of scenes producer Joel Silver wanted, with a micro story connecting them. Or trying at the least. But not die trying like 50 Cent. Of course that's never exactly stopped me from loving a good slice of action cinema pizza. This isn't a genuine New York City pizza, but the microwaveable store-brand discount special. Let's go over the quota:
Two robbery sequences? Check
Martial arts? Check
DMX seen as the family man by doing something cutesy with kid? Check
DMX displaying this also by saying outloud he'll do whatever to get her back? Check
More random martial arts? Check
DMX randomly able to run up and flip off a wall? Check
Gabrielle Union showing off her hot body and tease nudity, but not violate PG-13 rating? Check
An uncredited Chi McBride as mob boss who lives like a king in jail? Check
Tom Arnold as comic relief jackass? Check
Anthony Anderson as the other punchline? Check
Kidnapped kid making schmucks out of her captors? Check
Slightly homophobic sketch? Check
Tank firing on escaping helicopter? Check
Car chase, except with ATV? Check
Hip-hop soundtrack featuring DMX? Check
Lobster claw used as a weapon? Check
Chopper wreck cause coincidental ring of fire for finale duel between Li and adversary? Check
Using plutonium to kill baddie? Check
Mama Union knowing martial arts randomly too in catfighting villainess Kelly Hu? Check
Jet Li beating up several UFC/MMA fighters all at once in a cage? Check
Me not that impressed considering the current UFC champ is a former WWE Wrestler? Check
All that jumping around is irrelevant, because Arnold saves the day? Check
Brief second-thought dialogue mentioning that Li also wants revenge at villain? Check
As you can see, only four scenes caught my attention. We need more movies with people murdered with a lobster claw. And crabs don't count. The ATV chase in itself is unremarkable, except the idea of DMX eluding cops through downtown Los Angeles by riding an ATV. You don't see that in every movie, like Jason Statham using a Seadoo(!) in TRANSPORTER 2. I'm an unabashed fan of McBride. Su me. Get it? I used the generic Asian name given to Li's character. And usually Anderson (outside of cop stuff) is the ass-clown, so I like at least CRADLE's attempt to make Anderson a relevant, useful/resourceful team member.
But that's about it. If most of the things I've mentioned excite you, then CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE is for you. Considering I bought this full-screen DVD for only $3 in a Wal-Mart firesale, I got my money's worth. But if I had spent 5 bucks? Eh I'm not sure
CRADLE was directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak, a career Polish cinematographer. With CRADLE, you wouldn't be shocked to learn that he DP on LETHAL WEAPON 4 and U.S. MARSHALS, but did you know he also worked the terrific Cold War thriller THIRTEEN DAYS, the Sidney Lumet mini-classic PRINCE OF THE CITY, and Best Picture Oscar winner TERMS OF ENDEARMENT? Yeah no shit. Anyway, Bartkowiak's previous directorial efforts include other Joel Silver actioneers in ROMEO MUST DIE (w/ Jet Li) and EXIT WOUNDS (w/ DMX), so this seems to be the natural culmination of his time with Silver. Hell Arnold was in EXIT, and Anderson was in all 3 films.
Except not really. Silver apparently tried his damnest to sign, of all people, Sean Penn for the DMX role. Unshockingly, Penn passed. I know a self-respected thespian (and self-applauding asshole) like Penn would look down at such a random script. But consider how many current top movie stars/great actors scored the gold with action cinema: Matt Damon with THE BOURNE IDENTITY, Robert Downey Jr. with IRON MAN, Johnny DEPP with that PIRATES stuff, Christian Bale with BATMAN BEGINS (should have been EQUILIBRIUM though) and hell Liam Neeson even scored a sleeper blockbuster hit this year with TAKEN. There's something to this pattern here.
So DMX is the runner-up. A competent action presence I suppose, and I kinda remember his EXIT WOUNDS as a somewhat decent if not exactly memorable actioneer. Then again, I could have used those same words for CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE. I hate to bash something like CRADLE because its certainly watchable to a degree and the action is competently shot. But I never really cared about the characters or their dilemma or the stakes at risk, and the action just doesn't have enough umph to make me forget that fact.
CRADLE is so disposable and forgettable, but so is a French Fry. And they're delicious on the way down. Then you eat another one seconds later, and then...I mean the best scene in CRADLE is an outtake in the credits where Arnold and Anderson are improving...and it's quite hilarious. But there you go, the best scene of CRADLE is in the friggin credits. I guess this makes CRADLE the WATCHMEN of 2003. Way to go guys.
Speaking of which, I liked the actor playing the villain, Mark Dacascos. He has the fragrance of the physical charisma, and the moves, to become a legitimate action hero. Also an actual personality to boot! If only someone would have the balls to bank a film behind him (like Seagal or Van Damme in the 1980s) with a decent script, I'm sure I would be proven right. Also did you know he was a former TV soap opera actor?