Post by ronnierocketago on Apr 19, 2009 5:54:10 GMT
SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE (1987) - Bomb
Lex Luthor: You know what I can do with a single strand of Superman's hair?[/i]
Lenny: You can make a toupee that flies![/size]
I was watching the Nostalgia Critic's new listing, "The 11 Dumbest Moments from the Superman Movies," and I thought why bother? Just get any 11 random scenes from SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE, they'll do that theme with greater mind-numbing justice if you ask me. Actually you don't have to because SUPERMAN IV is to Superman fans is alot like Richard Nixon, and maybe eventually George W. Bush, is treated at every Republican National Convention: If we pretend hard enough, it never existed, thus never disgraced us in the first place.
Isn't it weird, and fucking hilarious, how both Superman and Batman film franchises began with massive success in popularity, only to die a very painful humiliating death, all within 4 films in under a decade? Other parallels include Oscar-winning movie stars taking a big paycheck to play the villains (Gene Hackman and Jack Nicholson), the first two "good" movie being somewhat serious while the last two stinkers were produced as campy comedies? I could go on and on, but let's just say the similarities end with their reboots. Christian Bale or Emo Supes? That's not even a fair fight.
Anyway, while I think Richard Donner's original SUPERMAN is slightly overrated, it is charming and without that movie, no mother fucking THE DARK KNIGHT. Also no ELEKTRA, LXG, and FANTASTIC FOUR, but I disgress. SUPERMAN II was greatly flawed, but hey I still like it, mostly because of the awesome Terence Stamp. Kneel before Zod! SUPERMAN III had Richard Pryor, and in retrospect I almost wished he had set himself on fire before he did that one.
And then we get goddamn SUPERMAN IV, where the fuck do I begin? The story goes that the Man of Steel star Christopher Reeve only returned for a last time because the Z-studio Cannon Films, who bought the Superman film rights from the Salkinds, offered him a ridiculously great deal: He'll have story input, funding for any outside pet film project of his, and the director's chair for a possible fifth SUPERMAN. Thus Reeve got his crime drama STREET SMART produced, which scored then-unknown actor Morgan Freeman his first Oscar nomination, and catapulted his career. So there, in all fairness I must admit, that was one good thing that fucking SUPERMAN IV did for this world.
Sorta like how Hitler was behind the Autobahn.
Anyway, with creative power Reeve decided to have the Last Son of Krypton to go beyond rescuing kittens from trees and beating up muggers, and personally disarm the Cold War world of those pesky nuclear weapons after reading a plea for peace from a random school kid. I guess Supes didn't act previously because he didn't pay attention to the news...Hey wait a minute, he's a fucking newspaper reporter!!![/i] Jesus, he is a dick after all.
Many have mocked such politics in QUEST FOR PEACE, but you know I can kinda understand the idea and sympathize here. Superman is an American creation, an immigrant embodying the nation's best values in truth and justice. But let's admit it, our government usually fails that morality test, at home and abroad. So why not Supes taking "America" to heart and walk the walk, talk the talk, fart the fart? Imagine if laser eye blasted those Nazi bastards back when they tolerated by many Americans? What if he flew into the Jim Crow South? How about trying to prevent or stop global genocides and personally knock out all dictators, even those friendly to the White House? Besides, what are the Soviets and Yanks are gonna do? Nothing against that mortal God.
Eat your heart out Reagan.
But shit, this theme's execution in QUEST FOR PEACE is just dumb. Consider that scene when Supes abruptly interrupts an United Nations General Assembly meeting, and gets to announce his unilateral disarmament plan after all the delegates enthusiastically endorse him. What? Look, Supes could be the cool slick American that the world maybe digs (like Obama), wouldn't some countries though vote against him due to his nationality? Besides, wasn't this the same U.N. that had Cuba on the Human Rights commission? OK, after those recent release of those torture memos, maybe U.S. doesn't have that much of a leg to stand on these days, but the point still has some merit.
Then ultimately, Supes abruptly ends his crusade and gives a condescending speech (plagarizing Dwight Eisenhower's words) that the world must on its own decide to disarm and seek peace. Maybe the blue bomber was trying to avoid going from superhero to superdictator, but within the context of PEACE's narrative....why? Why does he end it? Last I checked, he was doing a pretty good job, so what gives? Was he scared off by Lex Luthor's (Gene Hackman) failed scheme to clone Superman and defeat him, and personally make a fortune off a renewed arms race? It just makes no sense at all, a statement I kept repeating to myself throughtout QUEST. They might as well have retitled it SUPERMAN IV: WHY THE FUCK NOT?
Especially the supervillain Nuclear Man (Mark Pillow) He somehow was conceived from a stash of nukes (with Superman DNA sample) thrown into the sun, born looking like a 1980s gay softcore porn actor with mullet and tights, and screams like a little bitch. See thats what happens when you don't use lube.
Interestingly enough, the original villain was scripted to be Bizarro, but for some (stupid) reason that was ditched. But the basic concept of an equally-powered-but-retarded nemesis was kept for you see that Nuclear Man we suffer through in SUPERMAN IV was only the second version. But the whole storyline about the first Nuke Dude got deleted, as you can see here, along with absurd Burger King product placement.
On second thought to that self-ending decision, I think Superman is just a pussy. I mean he scratched by Nuclear Man, falls, and wimpers under a blanket near a fire during recuperation. You wuss. Then again, what did you epect from someone raised in Kansas? Fun fact, this was Pillow's film acting debut, and never worked another film afterwards. I wonder why. Moving on, just watch this hilarious "epic brawl" between these giants.
Did you get why I thought it was funny? The embarrassing production values. Now I try to be fair with pictures who try to do much without...well, much, but whatever you think of the first three SUPERMAN movies, at least they all had big budget support. Reportedly, Warner Bros. gave Cannon $40 million for QUEST FOR PEACE, and that was still a shitload of money back then. But Cannon foolishly had too many flicks being produced at the same time, which begs the question, which accountants do you hire for the Israeli-based Cannon? Only $17 million(!) was actually spent on QUEST, and for a massive scale project like this, you can definately see where they cut corners.
Wires visible, "space" on the Moon represented by black curtains, horrendous greenscreen work, stock footage everywhere. I think Nostalgia Critic himself nailed it right when he called this an Ed Wood picture. I disagree, I mean where is Bela Lugosi in a randomly useless cameo? Oh wait, that's Jackie Cooper's job.
The physics in QUEST's universe is terrificly dumb, but considering Superman comics in the 1950s/60s (and even the infamous time travel ending in the first SUPERMAN movie), they're unfortunately on par. You know, why can Superman fly into space and breath? How can he push the Moon by his own? But all that is all marbles compared to that lengthy sequence when Nuclear Man drags a human woman into space, who's not harmed at all and can also breath. I mean come the fuck on.[/i] COMMANDO and even every single Michael Bay picture is more logical than this.
Think about that notion for a moment.
I could on and on, but honestly QUEST is something specially bad that you have to see for yourselves. I remember Roger Ebert's legendary remark on fellow bad cinema classic HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING: "...so awesome in its badness!"[/i] Words fail to articulate QUEST. Remember "You Will Believe that a Man Can Fly" ? Well, here its You Will Believe that a Movie can Both Suck and Blow.
Watch how storylines begin and end, usually at the same time, and numerous scenes, relationships, and concepts happen for no other logical or thematic reason except...shit, I don't know why. You watch it and think for me, ok? I'm sleepy here and I can't give a fuck enough at this rate.
Hell I can't even bother to remark on Hackman's cartoonish escape from prison, or his goofy nephew, or a whole subplot about the Daily Planet being bought out. I had planned a joke about how Marc McClure playing the "kid" Jimmy Olsen was 30 by this point, and with sweater vest comes off as a scary pedophile, but I am too tired. Same with any metaphor gags of how QUEST FOR PEACE paralyzed the franchise like that horse riding accident did to Reeve, but I can't find a way to make that funny without coming off as a bigger asshole than usual.
On second though, how about that shot when Superman drops the nephew off at that reformatory Catholic school of all places? I feel bad for that kid, for in a few decades he'll have to confess to his therapist of how he got molested by a priest, and how it was all basically Superman's fault. I can't wait for that lawsuit.
