Post by ronnierocketago on Jan 16, 2009 5:56:10 GMT
OCTOPUSSY (1983) - ***
God knows how many boys growing up first said a certain naughty word because of this sexual-innuendo title which none of us understood then. Good or bad, you gotta respect EON Films for having the balls to keep such a name (taken from an Ian Fleming short story) for a major studio release, and force everyone to basically say that particular word for the last 26 year whenever OCTOPUSSY is talked about or shown on television. Sure the title was the most blunt horny pun gag in the history of 007, but it sure sets up for equally unsubtle dialogue: "That's my little Octopussy."
Sorry, Freudian slip.
Anyway, with OCTOPUSSY I'm reminded again why Roger Moore is my least favorite James Bond. Many folks quite prefer his regime of campy jokes and never taking the spy/thriller pulp material seriously, who mostly people who grew up with Moore and probably didn't know any better. Mind you, I'm down for good humor and gags if at least to briefly relieve the usual deadly austere atmosphere. But OCTOPUSSY just might be the corniest of those Moore years, which is quite remarkable.
I mean you have a guy with flute playing the 007 theme song to Moore swinging through a jungle like Tarzan (with iconic sound effect) to poor Bond having to disarm a nuclear bomb while dressed up like a clown. The cheese factor nearly got defeated me when you had then-tennis star Vijay Amritraj beating up thugs with a tennis racket during a car chase. A tennis racket. Then later, Moore asks that jock about what he's learned at the local tennis club to which the villain belongs, and Amritraj replies: "Well, my backhand's improved."
Oh har har, you deserved to die just for that.
Plus my other quirk with Moore has always been that he's the William Shatner of 007, for he's quite hammy enough to outpork Porky Pig himself, but lacking credibility as an action figure. Now I aint saying that Daniel Craig or Brosnan could fight in reality or whatever nonsense, but I like my action heroes (and especially for James Bond) to give me something in legitimacy so which I can in return extend my belief or acceptance that they could kick ass and blow shit up. There are many moments when Moore "runs" that I wonder, why can't anyone shoot down his slow fat old ass?
But I gotta admit that Moore does surprisingly have a few legit badass moments, which I always want out of Bond. Yes I slapped the cheeky humor above, but take the sequence when Moore escapes from the villain's big game hunting party, a gimmick of sorts already done in THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN and probably stolen outright from a THE EXECUTIONER book that I read once. Anyway, he swims to safety onto a Tour Boat, where a clueless passenger asks if he's part of their group: "No, ma'am, I'm with the economy tour!" A hilarious and perfect smartass reply to a dumbass tourist. Earlier Moore purposely raises up the bid at an auction for a Faberge Egg, which Moore knows is a fake, so to force the ignorant villain to buy it.
Man, Bond just loves to piss off his adversaries.
So I enjoyed OCTOPUSSY more than most of Moore's 007 entries, if not as much as THE SPY WHO LOVED ME. I'm just disapointed that two plots, each good enough to be the basis for a strong Bond picture, are smashed together into one decent narrative. First you have the psychotic Soviet general who schemes to detonate an atomic explosive in West Berlin, blame the Americans for it, Western Europe demands total self-disarmament, which leaves that continent wide open for a Russian invasion. A nice slick premise which amazingly was done a year before Frederick Forsyth penned a similar set-up with his novel THE FOURTH PROTOCOL, which itself was later adapted into an underrated thriller that I quite recommend.
Second, Bond having his dealings with an all-female/all-deadly criminal network in India. Sure it's something you would find from a comic book, but that very idea is appealing for both pulpish and sensual reasons. I mean think about it, Bond is the ultimate man-whore and seducer, so what if he's having to deal with women warriors who could easily kick his ass? On second thought, that fucking perv would probably enjoy it. I especially liked that these gals are led by Maud Adams, who is unique within the 007 franchise for being the only Bond Girl to be in two 007 pictures (she got assassinated in THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN), but most importantly, a MILF Bond Girl.
Moore has always had a rather creepy problem in that his Bond Girls seem usually decades younger than him. Hell in A VEW TO A KILL, he was older than his female co-star's mother. But Adams was 38, and for two older middle-aged people that have been through alot of shit, you usually don't get such dynamics within the action genre. Also Bond doesn't age-discriminate, which makes me wonder what his problem with poor Moneypenny back home, or is she just smarter?
But seriously, why hasn't EON Films explored the MILF route again? Some beautiful women, no matter how much mileage they gain, dudes will still masturbate to (at least according to the endless porn Spam that swamp my e-mail.) So I hereby propose to EON that for the next Craig 007 venture, they should book Monica Belluci. Yes she's 44 and has a kid, but look at this:
BTW, can you believe that fucking Teri Hatcher beat Monica for TOMORROW NEVER DIES? Whoever made that stupid casting decision is still probably a virgin. Shit even Brosnan agrees with me, and I tend to trust Bond when it comes to women. But at least with OCTOPUSSY, poor lonely Q (Desmond Llewelyn) apparently got some lady-scoring finally done. Good for him.
Not so with the bland over-the-top-elegant baddie (Louis Jordan) is an exiled Afghan prince/smuggler, and the guy sure tries his best Ricardo Montalban impersonation. EON should have just spent the money and gotten the real thing, and we would have had Bond fighting Kahn. That shit would have been the bomb. The late Montalban surely was one of those actors that should have been in a 007 movie, but never got the chance. Monica still can though. OK, I'll quit my nerd-campaigning.
As I wrote in my THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS review, Director John Glenn's underwhelming action cinema during the Reagan Decades leaves much to desire, and OCTOPUSSY continues that tradition. But I did think that opening teaser with the little aeroplane was pretty awesome. Plus, it's my favorite sort of Bond gadget, one that is practical for many situations (like escaping) and not just for an epic action scene. In fact as a History Channel documentary revealed, it was a real plane flown by its owner who still pilots it at air shows, and is also a lucky son of a gun for actually operating a device you would expect from the fictional Q's labs.
In short, I like PUSSY.